the moment before he started was my favorite moment.
[j.s.f., extremely loud & incredibly close.]

The anticipation.  Of new life, new thoughts, a new way of seeing the world.  Isn't that what we all crave?

That moment, right before something big happens.  Do you think we can feel it?  Sense it in our bones?  That time right before you find out something has happened in the world, the moment before your car hits that angry stranger's, or the weeks before he finally tells you.

The anticipation is the acidic mixture between agony and bliss.  It's a strange kind of emotion, isn't it?  Almost addicting.  When it's gone, we want it back with some strangled desperation.  We know we shouldn't want it, but we do.

Right before the play begins, he starts to get nervous.  He feels for the actors, understands that everything they are about to do is overflowing with meaning.  That the story about to be todl will connect us all in the room, if only just for a few moments, connect us to each other.

As we walk into Disneyland, his eyes light up and his hands start dancing.  We're about to enter into a world of animation, activity, and wonder.  Every trip is different, though each 0.6 mile walk from the car makes us positively jump from our skin in anticipation, aching all the way for our own personal playground.

These past couple of weeks, his eyes have been different.  His hugs have been holding.  The way we interact.  The anticipation, this time, is killing me.  Not him.  I'm dying to know what is on his mind.  Where we go from here.

Because to go nowhere would be one giant, terrifying fall backwards.  And it's just not for us to go back in time.

fall excites me.

something about the crisp air makes me wake up every morning with butterflies. the thought of perhaps being able to see my breath when i walk outside is so enthralling. i love seeing blue skies but still wearing my boots.

i don't know what it is about fall. every year i get this good-anxious feeling. the feeling that revives in me memories of other falls, memories of other seasons. it reminds me that life is all about changes, and i love knowing that i have to make this season new. that this fall can't be like last fall or the one before that. that if i am to live this life with the kind of integrity and attention that it deserves, i have to seek the new. every day.

so as the california leaves stay the same, my mind turns over a new leaf. this season brings a skip to my step and an excited shiver up my spine. i love the company i am keeping this season, those eyes that light up my own. i love the challenges that are being brought my way, even though they may seem insurmountable at certain moments. and i love that i am gaining new perspective on life. that i am being constantly reminded that seasons all flow into one life, and that i have to keep working for a future.

i'm addicted to the rumpus, if you will.

so here's to uncertainty & seeking the beauty in it all. to caprices, & seeking the comfort in the now.

[& to afternoons at disneyland that i simply cannot get enough of.]

what a whim.
k.

ah,
the taste of new life. it sighs into my chest, playing with my emotions.

it's going on a month that la has claimed me. a month of taking possessions & finding them a home. a month of new clothes, curious new coffee shops, new freeways with winding mysteries & stories to tell. a month of fresh fears & overly timid beginnings, but with flashing glimpses of life evening out & friendships creeping in.

there's something magical about los angeles, a call that is compelling enough to beg everyone to simply be themselves. to become someone. to play a part in this universal dance, to own up and be who we are called to be. in a city fill with almost-actors & wistful writers, everyone is here to follow their dreams. it's cautiously refreshing. maybe it shouldn't be, but it is.

so it is here. new life is becoming less new & more real. the hopes present while making this journey are either being renewed or reluctantly crushed. it's a rebirthing that is either beautifully refreshing or unexpectedly heartwrenching, depending on this situation. in any case, there are hidden challenges, ones that are shaping us all into who we are going to be in this world. & i can truly and honestly say that i am in the best company i could ask for in this new & glorious step forward.

blessed,
simple as that.
searching,
curious
as always.
learning how to
maintain
hope.

[p.s. i am becoming acutely aware that my writing is becoming quite dull & exhaustingly redundant. it's one of those challenges.. i'm on the case.]